I have this woman friend who is gentle, attractive in every way, worth getting to know, sometimes gets into tizzies, and, all in all, is a model of grace and feminism.
And she’s also a renowned belcher.
(Is it belcher or burper? Each is acceptable; however, I prefer belcher: it sounds grosser.)
Any one of this woman’s (I’ll call her Mary) mouthed air-bubble releases can start up a microwave, wake a napper on the other side of her house, scare a neighbor in the dead of night, and scatter a flock of birds 50 yards away. Well, almost.
But this is the God’s honest truth: In elementary school Mary held the record of successive burps without taking a breath at 14; in junior high could flare up a candle with a single eructation; and at university taught a dorm class titled, “Can Belching Improve Your ABCs?”, which she crafted from her fond memory of having, as an 11-year-old, expelled a single burp all the way to the letter J on the alphabet.
Before I continue, I think it’s important to note that Mary has a healthy identity. Does this mean that her air-bomb accolades enhance her feminism or detract from it? Given existing evidence, I’d say she needn’t hold her breath.
Current polls show that around 60% of respondents, from both genders, consider belching acceptable dinner-table etiquette. According to the Cleveland Clinic, with 300 offices nationwide, belching is usually healthy, because it expends the body’s natural buildup of excess air that causes stomach bloating and discomfort, and hiccups.
Not surprisingly, many medical institutions have also revealed that belching can be unhealthy, such as when eating and drinking quickly, chomping on gum, smoking, wearing poor-fitting dentures, and snoring. And belching can exacerbate preexisting medical problems.
For this essay I naturally asked Google if it thinks a woman can be feminine and also belch. Its response: “Societal conditioning in many Western cultures often labels burping ‘unladylike,’ while some other cultures find it an acceptable sign of enjoying a meal.” Google continues: “Modern views advocate for normalizing women’s natural functions, focusing on politeness (like covering your mouth).”
What does Google know?
In June 2012 dedicated belchers — nearly equivalent numbers of men and women — let it all out at the first World Burping Championship, held in New York City. Since then, belch of mouth has helped herald migration to belching contests worldwide.
To that I’ll raise a glass and cough one up right now.